i hate being a dreamer its so much easier wanting nothing.

"I wish i could write down every emotion and feeling down. But i cant there is to much running thru my head. I like it that way though. I never want my brain to be simple enough to write down."

I wrote that when I was 16 years old. Today I found some old journals and I made the mistake of openning them up and reading them. I read what I wrote and I want to cry. I want to go back and hold myself and whisper to me that everything is going to be ok and that its never gonna get easier but it will get better. I was reading it and there were parts that I recognized and parts that didnt even sound like me. "march 22, 2006 I wish i could just stop and sleep maybe take a breath" I laughed when i read that because im still saying that, daily. Almost every entry is about wanting more, not understanding, being scared. And then some of it is so immature. I cant believe i even thought like that. I understand the saying now "if only i knew what i know now then". I have changed so much and at the same time want all the same things. Its weird reading the things that you obsessed about because none of those things matter now. I was so small so dumb so scared. I still make the same mistakes, they just dont hurt as bad now. I feel like my child self was my kid and i watched her grow up. It makes me feel like i should have told her i loved her more and that she was the most important thing in the world. I lost that little girl a long time ago, now i feel guilty. when i read the journals im writing now in 5 years i know i will be thinking the same thing. I guess now i need to tell my self that i love me and that i am someone. Life is weird and its one crazy ass journey. I wonder who i will be in 10 years and what i will be writing about then. 

sept 10, 2006 "One day maybe i will be strong and know what i want to be in this world. maybe i will have a purpose. maybe people will notice. maybe i will have friends who are there for me and me only. maybe people wont leave. maybe i will recognize the person in the mirror. maybe i will be able to sleep. maybe i wont be so scared. maybe i will understand. until then i will question everything. i hate being a dreamer its so much easier wanting nothing" -molly (the thoughts i had when i knew nothing)

Dear past molly,

Life is still hard and scary. People still leave and disappoint. I still dont know what i want us to be. I still dont recognize us in the mirror. People still judge us. Nothing gets easier, just much clearer. We still dont sleep. We still question everything. We still dont tryst anything or anyone. But we know what we want. We know the person we want to become. We know the people we need and the people we love. We dont hate as much and we love more than ever. We are not as scared and we are rarely lonely. We have some solid people in our life. We understand the importance of loyalty and faith. We havent given up the fight. And we love our self and we try really really hard not to let anyone have us question that. 

the future molly who is still lossing but not lost.

M. 

 

Im haunted by the ghost of what should have been.