i want you to know this

I push and pull. I walk and I run.
I pray to God this isnt my existence.
Cheat the heart, trick the mind, burn and bury the soul.
I see all of them. I feel you.
I pretend that thats my smile, that this is my laugh
I lie to the mirror, I lie to their eyes
I promise them Im fine, that this is what I wanted.
I knew the moment the words came out of my mouth that this isnt what I wanted
I knew I only pushed you away because I didnt want you to do what he did to me
I knew that I ended it because I couldnt bare another heart break like before
I look at my eyes, those mindless eyes.
those eyes that you claimed were the reason you fell in love
and i cursed them, i hated them
I hated that they always gave me away
I tried to look at you and tell you I didnt love you, that I didnt need you
and I knew, you knew that wasnt true
I watched you walk away because you always gave me what I wanted
I didnt know who I hated more, me or you
You knew I lied, I knew you didnt believe me.
Now Im here.
I fear the worst.
I love you more than I ever did when you were here.

I go to sleep and I pray I dont wake up with you on my mind
I drink every bottle and hope I dont find you at the bottom
I sleep my way thru them and hope I dont see you in the end

I fear I will love you forever.